Meltdowns & Regulation
Understanding what meltdowns are, how to support your child through them, and strategies for prevention and recovery.
Meltdown vs tantrum
This matters because the response is different. Tantrums respond to firm limits. Meltdowns need support and patience.
- •Not goal-directed (not trying to get something)
- •Can't stop even if they get what they "want"
- •Continues after audience leaves
- •Often followed by exhaustion or shame
- •Child is not in control
- •May include self-harm or aggression
Cause: Sensory, emotional, or cognitive overload exceeding capacity
- •Trying to achieve something
- •Stops when goal achieved or given up
- •May check if adults are watching
- •Child maintains some control
- •Can usually negotiate
- •More common in younger children
Cause: Frustration at not getting what they want
During a meltdown
Stay calm
Your calm regulates their nervous system. Escalating makes it worse.
Ensure safety first
Remove dangers, protect them from self-harm, protect others.
Reduce demands immediately
They can't process demands. Every demand adds load.
Lower voice, slow movements
Speaks to their nervous system. Fast/loud escalates.
Reduce sensory input
Dim lights, reduce noise, clear space if possible.
Offer presence, not words
Too many words add processing load. Just be there.
Wait
Meltdowns have to run their course. Can't be stopped, only supported.
Reason or lecture
They can't access logical thinking. It adds demands and frustration.
Ask questions
"What's wrong?" requires processing they can't do right now.
Punish or threaten
Adds fear and shame without changing anything. Makes future worse.
Physically force unless safety
Can escalate. Only intervene for safety.
Match their energy
Your escalation fuels theirs. Stay grounded.
Say "calm down"
They would if they could. This doesn't help and can feel dismissive.
Make it about you
"You're embarrassing me" adds shame and doesn't help.
Scripts for meltdowns
During meltdown
"Minimal words: "I'm here. You're safe. I've got you.""
If they can hear
""I can see this is really hard. I'm not going anywhere.""
Offering physical comfort
""Would a squeeze help?" (wait for response, don't assume)"
Creating space
""I'm going to sit over here. I'm still with you.""
If they say hurtful things
"(Internally: this is the meltdown talking) Stay quiet."
After a meltdown
- Don't lecture or rehash what happened
- Offer water, a quiet space, comfort items
- Reconnect physically if they'll accept it
- Simple validation: "That was so hard."
- Allow rest - they may be exhausted
- Wait until fully regulated (may be hours or next day)
- Repair the relationship gently
- If appropriate, reflect together on what helped/didn't
- Problem-solve for next time (if they're receptive)
- Reassure them you still love them
Warning signs (rumble strips)
Notice these early and you can sometimes prevent full meltdown.
Increased rigidity
Becoming more inflexible, unable to adapt to small changes
Repetitive behaviours increase
More stimming, pacing, repetitive questions
Irritability
Snappy, easily frustrated, low tolerance
Withdrawal
Going quiet, retreating, reducing engagement
Physical signs
Clenched fists, tensed body, covering ears
Agitation
Can't settle, moving around, restless
Prevention strategies
Know the triggers
Track patterns. What situations, times, or demands precede meltdowns?
Example: After-school transition, hunger, specific sensory environments, transitions without warning.
Reduce baseline load
If capacity is already stretched, smaller triggers can overwhelm.
Example: Good sleep, regular eating, sensory breaks, realistic expectations.
Build in decompression
Scheduled downtime before it's needed.
Example: Quiet time after school before any demands. Breaks during challenging activities.
Use "rumble strips"
Notice early warning signs and intervene then.
Example: Increased rigidity, stimming, irritability, withdrawal - these signal approaching overload.
Reduce demands during vulnerable times
Some times are harder than others. Lower expectations then.
Example: Mornings, post-school, when tired/hungry, during transitions.
Create safety exits
Ways to escape or take breaks before overwhelm.
Example: Break cards, code words, quiet spaces available.
Troubleshooting
Meltdowns happening daily
Baseline demands may exceed capacity. Review expectations, schedules, and sensory environment.
Getting more frequent
Something has changed - sleep, health, school stress, developmental shift. Investigate.
Can't stay calm myself
Normal. Plan in advance. Have a tag-team partner. Work on your own regulation separately.
Sibling witnessing
Explain (age-appropriately) later. Have a safe place for them to go. Address their feelings.
Happening at school
School environment may be the problem. Review demands, sensory factors, social stressors.
Self-harm during meltdowns
Work with professional. May need safety planning. Investigate underlying causes.
Meltdowns are not behaviour problems - they're nervous system overwhelm. Your child isn't choosing to meltdown any more than they'd choose to have a fever. The response isn't discipline - it's support.
The goal during a meltdown is to get through it safely while maintaining connection. The teaching and problem-solving come later, when they're regulated.