Emotional Regulation
How we manage big feelings - and why neurodivergent children often need more support developing these skills. Difficulty managing emotions isn't bad behaviour; it's a skill gap.
Emotional regulation is the ability to manage and respond to emotional experiences in ways that are appropriate to the situation. It includes:
- Recognising and naming emotions
- Tolerating uncomfortable feelings
- Calming down when upset
- Expressing emotions appropriately
- Returning to baseline after strong emotions
This is a skill that develops over time, not something children are born with. And it develops through co-regulation with caregivers.
Types of regulation
- •Deep breathing
- •Physical movement
- •Sensory input (weighted blanket, fidgets)
- •Cold water on face
- •Grounding techniques (5-4-3-2-1)
Why it matters: When the body is in fight-or-flight, logical thinking shuts down. Calming the body first makes thinking possible.
- •Changing how you think about a situation
- •Self-talk
- •Problem-solving
- •Perspective-taking
- •Planning coping strategies
Why it matters: Only works when calm enough to think. Requires a mature brain (the brain's planning centre isn't fully developed until mid-20s).
- •Calm presence of trusted adult
- •Matched breathing
- •Soothing voice
- •Physical comfort (if wanted)
- •Simply being present without judgment
Why it matters: Children develop self-regulation through co-regulation. A calm adult is the most powerful regulating tool.
Children learn to self-regulate through co-regulation with caregivers. When you stay calm during your child's distress, you're teaching their nervous system what "calm" feels like.
What co-regulation looks like:
- • Staying calm yourself (regulate yourself first)
- • Moving slowly, speaking softly
- • Acknowledging the feeling without judgment
- • Being present without trying to fix immediately
- • Physical proximity or comfort if wanted
What undermines regulation:
- • Matching their escalation
- • Lecturing or reasoning while upset
- • Shame, criticism, or punishment
- • Telling them to "calm down"
- • Dismissing their feelings
Meltdown vs tantrum
Understanding the difference helps you respond appropriately.
Features:
- •Not goal-directed (not trying to get something)
- •Can't be stopped by getting what they want
- •Occurs when sensory/emotional/cognitive load exceeds capacity
- •May be followed by exhaustion or shame
- •Child is not in control
How to respond:
- ✓Stay calm
- ✓Reduce demands
- ✓Ensure safety
- ✓Don't reason or lecture
- ✓Wait it out
- ✓Comfort after if wanted
Features:
- •Trying to get something or avoid something
- •Stops when goal is achieved
- •Child maintains some control
- •May check if adults are watching
- •More common in younger children
How to respond:
- ✓Stay calm
- ✓Don't reward with attention
- ✓Set firm limits
- ✓Acknowledge feelings
- ✓Offer alternatives
- ✓Praise when calm
Emotional regulation in ADHD vs autism
- •Emotions felt intensely
- •Expressed quickly before filtering
- •Difficulty calming down once upset
- •Frustration intolerance
- •Quick to anger
- •Mood shifts that seem sudden
- •May not recognise emotions building
- •Meltdowns when overwhelmed
- •May mask emotions until collapse
- •Difficulty identifying or naming their own emotions
- •Strong emotional reactions to change
- •Needs longer recovery time
Regulation is learned, not innate. Children don't choose to have meltdowns any more than they choose to have a fever. Emotional dysregulation is a signal that their capacity has been exceeded, not that they need more discipline.
When you respond to dysregulation with calm, connection, and support, you're helping build the neural pathways for self-regulation. When you respond with punishment and shame, you're adding more dysregulation.